There is a cultural dream that we are conditioned into involving romantic love with a life partner. The idea of meeting the perfect partner is drip fed to us from an early age in fairy tales and continues into adulthood through magazines, books and films.
The problem is that this is a dream that is further driven by hormones and the mating instinct, which often results in disenchantment as fantasies of romance dissolve into reality, which is often disappointing.
Romance may be considered a state of limerence. This is a state where we feel ‘floaty and fuzzy’ and can’t think or feel clearly. It is fuelled by a biochemical process to bring couples together long enough to enable their brains to synchronise and for attachment hormones to ‘kick in.’ This enables the relationship to become established and ultimately ensures the survival of the species.
Over time as the biochemical process recedes and the limerence spell is broken, many are mystified by their former inability to see their suitor for who they are. For some this is the end while for others, this is the start of a real relationship. Now the couple will really get to know each other.
I believe this is both the challenge and the spice of life. It has certainly been so for me.
Successful long-term relationships have specific qualities. They have the ability to transform and meet each of the couple’s needs through all phases of life. The relationship is able to mature through unfolding events, which often includes the arrival of children and accommodates each point of challenge or change. This requires a strong bond and the capacity for resilience.
I found that even long term relationships have their limitations. My own long-term relationship came to a point where we could no longer adjust or accommodate each other any further. Too many situations and obstacles came between us. We were living different lives. Eventually we separated and moved on in our own ways. It was sad and yet it was right at that time.
In the next two years much happened. We each pursued our own path and enjoyed our independence. So when we met on the completion of the divorce two years later, we met as two different people.
Letting go had resulted in interesting changes. The problematic structures that had been between us had crumbled. The essence of who we are as individuals was still present, even though we were no longer the people of our youth. Maturation and choice had moulded us in different ways.
After that break we were able to appreciate what was really important. Old resentments, stubbornness and the need to be right had fallen away. We discovered a new appreciation of each other and found the chemistry between us was still present. Even though we had grown in our autonomy, we found our connection as a couple was richer.
And so we re-entered our relationship and have not been apart since. That was over two years ago.
We had to create a new relationship. We needed new expectations and boundaries: Ones that support our individual freedom to pursue our lives and at the same time maintain our connection.
We now do Tango lessons where he provides the strength and skill to lead me while holding a healthy space for me to express my creative femininity in following. We are learning to dance to the same tune and yet in our own way.
Of course it takes two to Tango. I cannot do it by myself. He too must choose to dance with me. If his step changes or my nuance alters we must complement each other if we are to continue to dance life together.
This is an unusual outcome; one that may not be welcomed by all. Many people prefer a new partner for a new phase of life in having a fresh new start, rather than one for the whole of life. There is no judgement in this as each person and couple are unique.
This experience has enriched my personal and professional life. I am excited to have developed a new way of working with individuals and couples arising from my personal and clinical experience and fused with a synthesis of former psychotherapeutic modalities and new ideas and techniques. Out of this I have developed processes to help couples reform their relationship or alternatively enable a good separation or even a spiritual divorce. This new couple’s therapy approach is shown in my latest book Rapid Core Healing to be launched in May 2017.
In finding resolutions the couple may choose to dance to a new tune that has the potential to make their time together worthwhile. This works well when each of the couple fulfils their role and purpose and occupies the space to grow while complimenting and supporting the other.
While romantic love is both exhilarating and excruciatingly painful, I wouldn’t have missed any of it. I remain a romantic and believe it is possible to have warmth, connection and love; peppered with challenge, humour and growth.
I visualise a world where we educate our teenagers about romance, love and personal growth and the risks and rewards of daring to love as a vital components of a life well lived. I see a future where romance and love continue to drive us. A place where good therapeutic help is commonly available, to assist people in navigating the ups and downs of relationships and people have the skills to rebuild their relationships or move on in a good way.
Yildiz is the founder of two psychotherapies, a psychotherapist, clinical hypnotherapist, Family Constellations facilitator and educator/trainer and author of three books. Her latest book Rapid Core Healing Pathways to growth and emotional healing (2016). Yildiz lives and runs a private practice in Brisbane, Australia, travelling nationally and globally to train clinicians and run workshops for the general public.
Organisations involved in training or growth interested in training courses of Family Constellations, Rapid Core healing or Emotional Mind Integration courses or applications may contact me HERE
These ideas are presented in her book Rapid Core Healing for Growth and Emotional Healing (2016)
Here is what I have to offer www.rapidcorehealing.com.